Unworthiness has resided inside me. Probably because of how I react to criticism and not meeting mine and other's expectations. Failure to meet expectations, whether my own or those that others have of me, makes me feel unworthy of love. This is what was revealed to me yesterday.
I went for prayer ministry to Rich and Kay. I'm trying to deal with my relationship with food and why I have eaten more than my body required for so many years, resulting in obesity. My relationship with food is complicated. As I prepare for Lap-Band surgery, I am forced to look inside myself and try to understand this relationship. Unworthiness seems to be at least one of the reasons why I may treat food so mindlessly.
So during prayer time after worship, Kay prayed for me. Her prayer had to do with receiving God's love for me, to KNOW I am beloved. She asked me to think and "see" myself in my mother's womb. She "saw" the finger of God involved in the formation of my very being. He made me who I am. He made sure that I was formed to have all that He planned for me. I saw Him signing His Name in the base cell of my body. Someplace deep inside me is a place where He signed His Name! Yahweh signed His creation, me!
My first reaction: I knew that the signature is still there! That means He isn't ashamed of me, to call me His. He signed His artwork with His signature and it remains in me today.
Deep in me, in a God-shaped hole, Yahweh signed His Name. I am His workmanship.
Then Kay prayed for me, and I "felt" something align or straighten. The word I heard was "the the crooked ways will be made straight". During communion, I felt the elements travel the straight line to where Yahweh's Name is in me. His love now flows directly to my inner being. There are no kinks or blockages anymore. He loves me. I am His Beloved! He signed His Name! Hallelujah!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Disconnect
I went up for prayer at church for "food" issues. I had eaten mindlessly the night before. I had asked the Lord for forgiveness and felt cleansed at communion, but how to stop these mindless times and be a mindful eater?
The prayer was for the behavior to be disconnected from me. I could see a connection in my mind's eye like a cord going from my head to my stomach and saw it disconnected- like a plug pulled from a socket. (I was reminded of the imagery of being 'plugged in' to the power of the Holy Spirit.)
Then the Lord began speaking about the word, disconnect. I felt 'disconnected'. Disconnected from the flow of the Spirit. Disconnected from what was happening in the Kingdom. As I deal with parents, kids and husband and as I hear them disparaging what I believe in, I feel the pull to disconnect me from God to remain connected to them, like it is an either/or situation.
I had things to do with my husband and things to catch up on from my time with my parents. I watched and listened to friends who attended Jesus Awakening and the Response and I wanted to be there, not dealing with family and things to do. I felt disconnected from what God was doing last week-end in His kingdom.
I prayed for my friends and the events, I joined in streaming for the few moments I could, but I could not be a part of the intensity and focus.
So I mindlessly ate. Cookie after cookie. As over eating goes, it was not the devastation it sounds like. The cookies were
"healthy" and I didn't finish the whole small box, but it was the idea that I couldn't even record how much I ate because I didn't know.
So the prayer time served "double-duty" in that it dealt with what needed to be done and spoke to why I did what I did. I was reminded of the passage in Romans 7- I know what to do but I don't do it. I want to do what is right yet I do the opposite. Oh what a messed up person I am! (my paraphrase)
Yet the hope in the passage- Jesus can free me! He has the answers I need! He can change me, work in me and bring about His will! Praise be to God! Glory be unto Him who is faithful, who is with me always and who will finish the work begun in me!
"So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another powers within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." (Romans 7:14-25 NLT)
The prayer was for the behavior to be disconnected from me. I could see a connection in my mind's eye like a cord going from my head to my stomach and saw it disconnected- like a plug pulled from a socket. (I was reminded of the imagery of being 'plugged in' to the power of the Holy Spirit.)
Then the Lord began speaking about the word, disconnect. I felt 'disconnected'. Disconnected from the flow of the Spirit. Disconnected from what was happening in the Kingdom. As I deal with parents, kids and husband and as I hear them disparaging what I believe in, I feel the pull to disconnect me from God to remain connected to them, like it is an either/or situation.
I had things to do with my husband and things to catch up on from my time with my parents. I watched and listened to friends who attended Jesus Awakening and the Response and I wanted to be there, not dealing with family and things to do. I felt disconnected from what God was doing last week-end in His kingdom.
I prayed for my friends and the events, I joined in streaming for the few moments I could, but I could not be a part of the intensity and focus.
So I mindlessly ate. Cookie after cookie. As over eating goes, it was not the devastation it sounds like. The cookies were
"healthy" and I didn't finish the whole small box, but it was the idea that I couldn't even record how much I ate because I didn't know.
So the prayer time served "double-duty" in that it dealt with what needed to be done and spoke to why I did what I did. I was reminded of the passage in Romans 7- I know what to do but I don't do it. I want to do what is right yet I do the opposite. Oh what a messed up person I am! (my paraphrase)
Yet the hope in the passage- Jesus can free me! He has the answers I need! He can change me, work in me and bring about His will! Praise be to God! Glory be unto Him who is faithful, who is with me always and who will finish the work begun in me!
"So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another powers within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." (Romans 7:14-25 NLT)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Pour contempt on all my pride
Pride is an issue I struggle with - so when I read Psalm 123 today and thought about the word "contempt" I knew I needed to explore the lyrics from "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross".
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name
Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all
"Have mercy on us, LORD, have mercy on us,
for we have endured no end of contempt." Psalm 123:3 NIV
"Have mercy on us, O Lord, have mercy on and loving-kindness for us, for we are exceedingly satiated with contempt." Psalm 123:3 AMP
I know the Psalmist is talking about those who have contempt for those who follow God - and that fits me as well. But I think the word contempt is what I have to ponder - as it pertains to me and my life.
When others have contempt for our faith, the Psalmist reminds us to call upon the Lord, on His loving kindness and mercy, for the strength to face the contempt. But what about the contempt we feel for ourselves? It is good to have contempt for the sinful things I do, for the pride, for the lack of discipline, for the independence, for the procrastination -- I should hate sin as the Lord hates sin. What about when I feel disappointed in myself? What about how I feel when I make a mistake, take the wrong road, do everything but that which needs to be done?
I think the answer is the same - to go to the Lord and ask for strength. Contempt is really a call for strength - to do the right thing, to think the right way, to follow the right path. If I make a mistake, I don't need to keep making the mistake over and over. I can stop, pause, think, pray and take the next step in the right direction.
For food and eating issues, this is a thought process I need to embrace and remember. I need to constantly come to the Lord, die to self and find that I can truly live!
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name
Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all
"Have mercy on us, LORD, have mercy on us,
for we have endured no end of contempt." Psalm 123:3 NIV
"Have mercy on us, O Lord, have mercy on and loving-kindness for us, for we are exceedingly satiated with contempt." Psalm 123:3 AMP
I know the Psalmist is talking about those who have contempt for those who follow God - and that fits me as well. But I think the word contempt is what I have to ponder - as it pertains to me and my life.
When others have contempt for our faith, the Psalmist reminds us to call upon the Lord, on His loving kindness and mercy, for the strength to face the contempt. But what about the contempt we feel for ourselves? It is good to have contempt for the sinful things I do, for the pride, for the lack of discipline, for the independence, for the procrastination -- I should hate sin as the Lord hates sin. What about when I feel disappointed in myself? What about how I feel when I make a mistake, take the wrong road, do everything but that which needs to be done?
I think the answer is the same - to go to the Lord and ask for strength. Contempt is really a call for strength - to do the right thing, to think the right way, to follow the right path. If I make a mistake, I don't need to keep making the mistake over and over. I can stop, pause, think, pray and take the next step in the right direction.
For food and eating issues, this is a thought process I need to embrace and remember. I need to constantly come to the Lord, die to self and find that I can truly live!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
What is peace?
Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled." John 14:27 AMP
Me, I feel at peace today - now. I went for a bike ride today. My legs and heart were fine, but my lungs were burning. The heat, humidity, allergens and spraying of chemicals combined to do a number on my lungs. I had to stop at a friends house to rest, recover and re-coop. So, my 30-45 minute ride was 20 minutes today. She prayed for me - to breathe in the breath of God. She prayed calm for me. Now I am at peace.
I read Psalms 2, 32, 62, 92, and 122 today. [Ask another friend of mine - why?] I sang Lord Most High [Bob Fitts] and You Are Holy [Michael W. Smith]. And the word I got - PEACE. Which is what led me to the verse above and to this post. The Amplified is great at giving you more depth to the words used. In this case, it gives all the feelings that are NOT peace. I looked up the antonyms of those words to get my list of what peace IS:
Weight Loss Is Hard
Not only is weight loss hard, but exercise is hard work, too! As I attempt to deal with weight, wellness and changing bad habits, I realized that it is hard work!
I know, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" [For Pete's Sake, to coin Father Tim] - Philippians 4:13. It is true - I can only do this big task through His strength. I am so glad that Jesus is patient with me!
So, I come back to my blog, which has seen little activity for over a year, and muse on the title - Becky's Chewings . Not a bad title for a trip down wellness and weight loss, is it?
Come join me as I chronicle how the Lord is working in me to achieve His purposes for my wellness!
I know, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" [For Pete's Sake, to coin Father Tim] - Philippians 4:13. It is true - I can only do this big task through His strength. I am so glad that Jesus is patient with me!
So, I come back to my blog, which has seen little activity for over a year, and muse on the title - Becky's Chewings . Not a bad title for a trip down wellness and weight loss, is it?
Come join me as I chronicle how the Lord is working in me to achieve His purposes for my wellness!
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